Miercoles en la noche. Hoy fue mi despedida. No me siento como si me voy en menos de 48 horas. Hoy no me veo en Francia. No me veo devolviendome, no me veo viviendo ahi, no quiero irme. Quiero quedarme aqui, donde todo es seguro, donde se que puedo triunfar, donde se que nada malo me puede pasar. I don’t want to leave because it’s safe and sure. But I will leave, because I never pick what is safe and secure. I never pick the easy way out, I never pick what makes me most comfortable. Because that would be settling. And I don’t want to settle ; I want to see how far I can go if I really, truly push myself. I want to take myself out of my comfort zone and see how much I can push myself before I crack. I saw my limits once, and I want to see them again.
Except this time, I want to succeed and surpass myself, instead of failing. This time I will be able to do it. It was a learning experience, all of it. And I learned, and I lived. I pushed myself to the limit and I am proud of that, even if I didn’t succeed in the way they wanted me to succeed. But I don’t consider it a failure, because now I realize that that’s what it took to realize that I don’t actually know who I am, but that I don’t fear the journey. That I don’t know where I will end up, but that I’m not scared of finding out.
I learned that I am not a cookie cutter version of what they want me to be, that I don’t necessarily have to conform to standards that I don’t appreciate. I learned that the path that my parents laid out for me isn’t the only way to go about things, that I can do things my own way without it meaning that I am a failure.
I learned that other people have priceless information to share with me if I am willing to listen. That just hearing their experiences and trying to understand them will make me a better person because I actually *can* learn from other people’s mistakes if I truly try and understand them.
I learned that there are so many different lifestyles and ideologies out there, and that they’re not all necessarily wrong just because they’re not my own. I learned that someone can be your friend even if they’re on complete opposite extreme of the political spectrum, or the economic background. I learned that the place where you grew up does not necessarily have you chain you to a certain way of thinking or a certain way of living if you’re lucky enough to be able to understand that the world is not just lived from your own point of view.
I learned that I bleed, that I care, that I love, that I cry, that I feel just like everybody else and that not only can I not help it, I don’t want to. Because every wound, every tear, every lonely evening is one more experience that forms who I am, and stays with me forever. So that I can learn when to protect myself, and when to trust. All this, I learned. And I will not be sorry for this, and I will not apologize for this. I will embrace it and be who I am and be proud, and hold my head up high, and be grateful for the experiences that have formed who I am today, this person that I love and that I have formed with blood, sweat and tears. And Nicaragua, I love you for being the country that formed me. And France, I love you for being the country that shaped me. Without either one of you, I do not know where I would be right now. So thank you. Thank you for all you have done for me. I hope I can make you proud.
